


A Leader's Work

by alexofthegarden



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 2B Adjacent, D/s, Orgasm Denial, Punishment, mention of parental spanking, writing lines
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-13
Updated: 2017-10-16
Packaged: 2018-12-01 12:32:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11486466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexofthegarden/pseuds/alexofthegarden
Summary: Alec is slowly learning that, as a leader, following your gut is more important than following orders.  But knowing and doing are two different things, and he's made the mistake twice now, hurting the man he loves both times.  He needs more to undo years of training.  He needs Magnus.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I should have known that at some point I'd start writing for Shadowhunters. This currently is a one-shot, which starts at the last kiss of 2x13, but if other episodes inspire me then I could add to it. Please let me know what you think!

 

His thoughts and nerves raced as he sped to Brooklyn and up to Magnus’ apartment.  Alec knew what he wanted, knew what he needed.  But he didn’t even know if Magnus would forgive him.

The warlock stood on the balcony, hands clasped, staring out.  Toward what, Alec didn’t know.  Had Magnus been watching for him?  Or trying not to think of him at all?   Either way, they needed to talk.  Alec had things he needed to say. 

“Magnus, you were right.”  Magnus turned, hope and surprise swirling in his eyes as Alec came face to face with the man he loved. He’d been so wrong.   “You never have to prove yourself to me.”  He reached out and gently pulled Magnus closer, needing to touch him.  To feel him.  “I love you,” he said.

Magnus swallowed and reached a hand to cup Alec’s cheek.  It felt warm on Alec’s skin. It felt like home.  “I love you too.”

When they kissed, it wasn’t magic or fireworks.  It was a deep seated feeling of relief that they were both alive and okay and once again inside each other’s arms.  It was the feeling of knowing they were safe.  That even the darkness couldn’t keep them apart.

Magnus pulled back slightly, the unresolved events of the past few days still casting a shadow over them.  “Alexander,” he said.

 _“Alexander.”_   The word echoed strangely in Alec’s ear from a time long ago.  His hands automatically clasped behind his back and their eyes met.  And he knew, he needed Magnus to understand.

~~

_“Alexander!” his father finally shouted and the power of it this time froze the boy’s voice.  “I don’t want to hear another word. Go to your room and wait for me.”_

_Alec glared at his father for one more second, another argument ready on the tip of his tongue, before he thought better of it.  With a huff he knew would just add to his father’s anger, he left his friends and siblings in the training room and went to his bedroom._

Wait for me _.  Alec knew what that meant.  It meant standing in the corner until his father was ready to deal with him.  It meant not sitting well the rest of the night._

_Hands clasped dutifully behind his back, he tried to be still as he stared cross-eyed at the stone wall.  Waiting was the worst part of course.  Knowing he was coming.  Never knowing when or exactly for what.  He remembered a time when he’d been made to wait nearly two hours.  That never happened to his siblings.  Izzy was a girl and Jace, well, his parents thought that Jace had been through enough.  But Alec was the oldest.  More had always been expected of him._

_He wasn’t sure how long he’d stood, but it hadn’t been long, when the door suddenly opened then clicked shut behind him.  Alec snapped to attention._

_His father’s footsteps reached the middle of the room and then stopped, allowing the air to fill with silence._

_More waiting.  Until he heard the deep voice of Robert Lightwood._

_“Well, what do you have to say for yourself this time, Alexander?”_

_“I’m sorry, Sir,” the boy answered.  It was really all he could say._

_“What by the angel came over you, questioning me that way in front of everyone?”_

_Now that he’d thought about it, he realized how imprudent it had been.  “I don’t know, Sir.”_

_His father’s voice hardened.  “_ I don’t know _is not an honest answer, Alexander. Look at me.”_

_Alec turned in his spot, not moving a muscle he didn’t have to.  His father, arms crossed sternly in front of him, seemed taller, bigger, and Alec wondered if it was some rune meant to intimidate._

_“You need to understand, young man, that your disobedience is unacceptable,” Robert started his lecture.  “As a Shadowhunter, your obedience to your teachers, to the Head of this Institute, and to the Clave isn’t an option, Alec.  It’s required. And being the oldest child of the Head does not change that. Do you understand?”_

_Alec lowered his eyes with shame.  Of course he understood, he’d been taught the same since he was six.   “Yes, Sir.”_

_“Come here.”_

_Alec shuffled toward him, feeling tiny beneath his father’s glare.  And then hard eyes softened, and a gentle hand reached out and raised his chin.  Alec swallowed hard._

_“You are smart, Alec.  And you are courageous.  And you are strong.  But leadership is earned through experience, and_ that _, young man, you do not have.  Through your obedience to the Clave you will learn good and bad, right and wrong.  You may not always agree with your orders, but those missions too will give you valuable experience to become a leader.  And you will be a leader someday, son.”  Robert’s warm touch disappeared along with softness of his eyes and Alec held his breath.  “But not today.  Hands on the bed.”_

_Fear raced through Alec’s veins, automatic and unwanted.  He was a Shadowhunter after all, he laughed off bumps and bruises every day from training.  He should have been able to take a spanking from his father with his composure intact.  But instead he flinched when he heard the clink of metal from his father’s belt and the slide of leather against fabric._

_He would have much preferred the sound of a sword pulling from its sheath._

_It didn’t help that he knew Jace and Izzy were listening outside the door.  He gripped the quilt beneath his fingers and sucked in a breath at the first lash.  There was no way he was going to give them a show._

_~~_

Alec’s face had turned pink with embarrassment as the story spilled from his lips.  “I was twelve years old,” he said.

Magnus’ face was turned down in a frown.  His eyes were wary.  “Why do you tell me this, Alexander?”

The sky was dark, but the air was light that evening on the balcony of his boyfriend’s home.  Magnus’ kiss still lingered on his lips.  When he’d come that night, he hadn’t been sure he’d be able to explain.  But with every second that their lips had touched, with every moment their kiss had grown deeper, Alec’s need for Magnus to understand had grown stronger.

He reached out to his boyfriend’s hand and was pleased when Magnus took it.  “Magnus, I have trained my whole life, to obey the orders of the leaders of our Institute.  Of the Clave.  And I was held accountable for that by my teachers, my parents.  But…”  Alec took a deep breath.  He knew what he was asking.  He knew that it could change everything between them.  But he also knew that he needed it and that what Magnus could give him, if he was willing, would be beautiful.  “But as a leader, as Head of the Institute, you are right.  I need to follow my gut.  But as the Head, I don’t…”  He peered out to the streets of Brooklyn, a tingle sweeping up the back of his neck.  Suddenly Magnus’ gaze was too strong. “I don’t have anyone to keep me…accountable.  For that.”

Magnus’ lips pressed together and he softly shook his head.  “Alec, what are you saying?”

Alec took a shallow breath.  “I’m saying…”  If he did it fast, he could get the words out.  “I’m saying that I would like you to hold me accountable.”  He risked a glance back to Magnus to find creases of worry or confusion and Alec hoped beyond hope not disgust.  Alec continued quickly before his boyfriend could make any type of escape.  “This last mission Magnus, it was wrong.  I was very wrong.”

Magnus’ hand slipped from Alec’s dropping to his side.  “You were following orders,” he said, his voice hard.  “Like the dutiful Shadowhunter you are.”  The warlock turned and walked inside, but Alec wasn’t going to let him avoid this conversation.  He followed, closing the balcony door behind him.    

Alec reached out to Magnus’ back, but he stopped in caution.  There was still so much they hadn’t talked about.  Everything that had happened with Valentine was still too hard for Magnus to speak of, but Alec couldn’t keep his own thoughts in any longer, he needed to say what he’d come to say.  All of it. 

“I've done a lot of following orders that has hurt you, Magnus.  Hell, I almost...I almost killed you.” His voice choked, the tears pushing at his senses, but Alec wasn’t one to give into them.  “When I asked for a strand of your hair I thought it was anger in your eyes when you told me to leave.  Anger at the Clave.  But looking back, I know it wasn’t.  It was disappointment.  That I would follow orders to hurt you.  Again.” 

Magnus flinched at Alec’s words.  It only made his resolve stronger. 

“Magnus, I’ve tried to just let it go.  Believe me, I make it through the day but then at night…”  His guilt overwhelmed him.  “I deserve something for what I did.  You’re trying to hide the pain I caused you and I understand and I’ll respect that until you’re ready, but what happened to you is my fault and I’m ready to deal with that.  I need to.”

Magnus’ head dipped. His fingers fiddled with his rings, the black polish on his nails.  There was a long silence as Magnus thought over all that Alec had said.

But Alexander Lightwood knew how to wait.

When he finally spoke, the warlock’s voice was so soft, Alec had to step closer to hear.  “Our bodies, Alexander, are just vessels for who we are inside.  Change the body outside and we are still the same person inside.  But you couldn’t see that.”

Shame shot through him and Alec felt like his heart tore in two.  “Magnus, I’m sorry.”

Magnus turned, and for once Alec thought he could almost see his age in every feature.  “The good and evil inside of me are just that.  Inside me.  My lips don’t tell you how I speak.  My hands don’t tell you how I touch.  My heart doesn’t tell you how I love and my eyes…my eyes don’t tell you whether I am good or bad.” Those eyes flashed with anger.  “But others who have looked at me believed they did.”

“Magnus-”

Magnus’ gaze snapped to his.  “Do you still think I was being overdramatic?”

“No, angel, no.”  Alec shook his head.  “I shouldn't have said that.” 

“Our bodies can be used by others, for good or evil.  In the Shadow world, we cannot let them define our guilt or innocence.  A strand of my hair, Alexander, is just fiber, filled with DNA.  But if Valentine proved anything, it’s that my body doesn’t make me who I am. My body proves nothing.  My word, Alexander, that’s what matters.  But you were too busy following orders to listen.  To see my pain. To see _me_.  Again.”

Alec closed the gap between them, and took his boyfriend’s hand, thumbing over the thick skin.  “That’s why I need you to do this.  Make me listen, Magnus.  Make me see your pain.  Feel it in my own skin.  Please.”

“And if I don’t? If I can’t? If it’s too much?”

Alec lowered his eyes.  “I worry that I’ll be wrong again-”

“You will be.”  Centuries of experience had taught Magnus that.  “Either way.”

“And when I am, I fear the disappointment in your eyes won’t be enough.”

Magnus raised a brow, the lines in his face in his softening.  “Enough for what, Alexander?”

“To undo a lifetime of training.  To trust my gut, even if it means going against the Clave.”

Magnus sighed.  He reached up, tenderly brushing the hair at Alec’s temple.  “Alec, what do you want of me?  I’ve been a father figure to hundreds of people over the centuries. But that is not what I want with you.”

“I don’t want that either.” Alec wasn’t sure of much, but he was sure of that.

“Then what?”

His sister Izzy had always thought he was a prude.  But he knew a thing or two.  “A Dominant?” he asked carefully.  “At times?”

Alec wasn't sure if it was surprise that flashed across Magnus' face, but he was certain of the twinkle in his eyes.  “At times?  But not all the time?”  Magnus slid his arm around his boyfriend’s waist and pulled him close.  A devious smile played at his lips.  “Because honestly, Alexander, you are about the furthest thing from submissive in the bedroom, and I have no desire to change that.”

Alec laughed, the tension releasing.  “Neither do I.”

“So then when?”

“Just when…” Alec reached out, placing a hand on Magnus’ hip.  His cheeks pinked slightly with embarrassment.  “Just when it’s necessary.”

Breath ghosted against Alec’s skin when Magnus slowly kissed his neck.  Alec shivered as Magnus whispered in his ear.  “I’ve never been one to believe in spanking a child.”

Alec’s heart jumped at his words.  “I’m not a child,” he whispered back. 

“No.”  Magnus’ lips tickled as he spoke.  “You’re not.”

“I trust you Magnus.  I want to trust you with this.”

“We have a safeword.  Or we use the stoplight system – green, yellow, and red.”

Alec pulled back slightly, his brow arching in amusement.  “So, you’ve done this before.”

“I’ve played before.  Scened.” He placed his fingers below Alec’s chin and drew himself in.  “But no, Alec.  I’ve never done _this_ before.”

"So then it will be a first time for both of us."

Magnus kissed him once again, slow and confident.  Powerful.  With authority.

A thrill surged through Alec’s whole body and he trembled.  “Can we start now?” he nearly begged.

“No.”  Magnus brushed his thumbs against Alec’s cheeks.  “I need to think.  Spend the night Alexander, and when you wake in the morning, you will know.”

Alec smiled and kissed him softly.  “Okay.”

* * *

 

Alec woke up to the smell of breakfast cooking.  He slid out from between Magnus’ red silk sheets and pulled a shirt over his head.  Teeth brushed and a quick hand through his thick black hair and he headed out to see what awaited him.

His own smile was made even brighter by the one that graced his boyfriend’s lips.  Standing behind the counter, Magnus was happily humming a song while he got the cinnamon buns out from the oven and pulled the bacon from the sizzling pan. 

“Good morning, Alexander,” Magnus said with cheer and he waved a graceful hand in the direction of the kitchen table.  “Take a seat, your place is already set. Breakfast will be served in just a minute.”

“Thank you.” Alec pulled out his chair and took his seat in front of his perfectly set century old place setting, red cloth napkin, and pure silver silverware.  And beside the decadence, lay a small stack of plain lined paper.  Well, it was almost plain.  One sentence was written atop the page.

Alec slowly looked up to catch Magnus watching him out of the corner of his eye, feigning complete nonchalance.  “What’s this?” he asked.

“What does it look like?”

Alec turned back to the papers and read again the sentence, written with magic no doubt, that graced the top.

 

_I will follow my gut before I follow orders._

 

He could practically feel Magnus’ eyes on him.  His face flushed unexpectedly.  “It looks like lines.  I haven’t had to write lines since I was eight Magnus, you can’t be serious.”

Magnus pressed his shoulders back and his jaw tightened.  “I am very serious, Alexander.  Are you?” 

Alec lowered his eyes, his heart fluttering in his chest.  Was he serious?  Last night he had been so sure.  So eager.  But this wasn’t what he’d expected and now, the reality of what he’d asked for sat right in front of him and a part of him froze. 

Magnus continued.  “If you are serious, then you may place the pages on the writing desk for later.  I don’t want them to get dirty while we eat.”

Alec’s eyes blurred and light blue lines on the paper faded into white.  He’d thought asking would be the hardest part.  But now Magnus had put the decision right back into his hands.  He hesitated, though he didn’t know why and he didn’t like that he didn’t know why.  He thumbed through the sheets of paper.  Five in total, but Alec was sure Magnus would expect completion of both sides.  It would take time.

“I have a meeting first thing this morning at the Institute.”

Magnus offered a bemused smile.  “Then we better get moving.” He brought their breakfast over to the table, placing the dishes in the center.  “Obviously, I don’t expect you to complete all your pages before you go.  But you do need to do at least one.”  He sat down across from his boyfriend.  Their eyes locked.

Alec swallowed.  “And the rest?”

“You may complete them in your own time,” Magnus said.  Alec knew the doubt and worry was all over his face and Magnus reached across the table and took his hand.  “This is for you Alexander, not for me.  But if we do this…”  Magnus paused, allowing Alec to interject.  But Alec was silent.  “Then we do it right.  You don’t leave the apartment without having done at least one page that day.  And until those lines are done, there will be no…”  Magnus wiggled his fingers in the direction of Alec’s lap, “pleasures of the flesh.  By my hand or by yours.” 

Alec felt the flush of adrenaline tingling through his body before the surprise of his boyfriend’s words actually hit him.  “Can you do that?” he nearly squeaked.

Magnus shrugged.  “I don’t know.  Can I?” Magnus gave him a moment.  “You asked for this Alexander.  When have you ever known me to do something half-way?”

Alec didn’t answer.  He didn't have to.  His own hesitation disappeared with Magnus’ determination.  Magnus _could_ do it and he _would_ do it and, by the angel, Alec wanted him to do it desperately.  He took the pages in his hand and, on shaky legs, he stood up and carried them to the writing desk, placing them down almost reverently.  He traced a finger slowly across the words.  There was suddenly so much power in them, it made his head spin. 

The clink of silverware broke him out of his spell and he turned to see Magnus focused on his food, a small, satisfied smile playing at the corner of his lips. 

Alec’s mouth went dry and he cleared his throat, walking back to join Magnus at the table.  He sat down, placed his napkin gracefully across his lap and picked up his fork.  “I will let Jace and Izzy know that I won’t be joining them on the hunt tonight.  Seems being Head of the Institute brings with it a lot of paperwork.”

Alec glanced up at Magnus from beneath his lids.  Dark, soulful eyes stared back at him.

“A leader’s work is never done, Alexander.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

Turning in his chair at Magnus’ desk, Alec flexed his fingers.  He gave a quick look over his shoulder to make sure his taskmaster wasn’t watching before he shook out his hand, but he should have known that Magnus was always watching him.

The warlock turned with that graceful flip of his head that drove Alec wild.  “How are you fairing, Alexander?”

It felt like it had been forever, with the Institute beyond busy dealing with Valentine, but it had only been two days since Magnus had assigned him the lines, ten pages to remind him to trust his gut instead of just following the Clave’s orders.  He was determined to finish as soon as possible, if for no other reason than the fact that he was desperate for Magnus’ touch, forbidden until he was finished.  He didn’t want to go another night without it.  The first page he’d finished immediately the day Magnus had assigned him the task, before leaving for the Institute.  Two more he’d completed that evening after filing the necessary paperwork with the Clave to launch the Downworld Cabinet.  But his fingers didn’t fly with magic that night like Magnus’ had brewing some potion for a client.  Of course, there was something about watching Magnus work that distracted him.  His strong fingers dancing in the air.  Those big, beautiful rings that decorated his strong fingers. The energy and grace that emanated from those dancing, bejeweled strong fingers.  It had been enough to make him dizzy.

Frustrated, he’d managed one page yesterday morning before Izzy was calling him with some urgent need for him back at the Institute, and one last night before he’d nearly fallen asleep at his desk.  Determined, he’d finished two this morning which left him with almost three full pages to complete if he had any hope of having sex that evening.

And he did have hope.

“Almost done,” he said, picking up the pen one last time.  “I have five lines left.”

He felt Magnus peer over his shoulder and the scrutiny made his heart skip a beat.  Until four of his completed lines disappeared.  Alec groaned.

“Nine lines left.   Neatness counts, Alexander,” Magnus told him.

“My hand is cramping, Magnus.”  He couldn’t help the whine that came out of his mouth even though he knew he’d been rushing.  “I could barely draw my arrow this morning.  Jace asked me what was wrong and I had to make up some story about hurting it in training.”

“Is that why you’re considering sending him to the Seelie Court?” Magnus teased.

“What? No, of course not.”  It didn’t hurt though, that it might prevent some unnecessary embarrassment. 

Magnus chuckled.  “Discipline isn’t meant to be easy, Alexander, and you wouldn’t want it that way.  But remember, this is at your pace.  You could always wait to finish tomorrow morning.  Lessen the pain in your hand, but wait one more night before-”

“No,” Alex said firmly. Fighting with him had been bad enough, but they’d barely even been able to make up yet.  “No more waiting.”

Magnus chuckled again and poured two glasses of champagne while Alec went back to his work, making sure that every last letter was perfect.  He finally slammed the pencil down with satisfaction.  “There,” Alec said.  He stood up and held out the last page of lines.  “Finished.”

Magnus took it and gave it a quick once over before going back to the desk where Alec had sat.  He opened the drawer that held the other completed papers.  Placing them together, he rolled them up, and reached into a second drawer, pulling out a scroll case.  Dark leather with red and gold filigree, it looked ancient.  “A gift from Count Axel von Fersen, of course,” Magnus explained at Alec’s questioning look. 

“Oh, of course,” Alec said.

Magnus gave him a quick smile before he took Alec’s ten pages of carefully penned work and gently slid them inside the case.  Placing the lid back on, he held it out to Alec.  “For you to keep at your desk in your office.  To look at, whenever you might need the reminder.”

Alec looked at Magnus, his breath hitching with surprise.  He took it.  It was heavy and possibly the most thoughtful gift he’d ever received. For more reasons than one.

“Thank you.”  His voice choked with love.

Magnus smiled that beautiful smile.  He picked up the champagne glasses and held one out for Alec.  “You’re welcome,” he said, clinking their glasses.  Alec took a sip, for once enjoying the taste.  Magnus drained his.  “Come.”  Magnus took Alec’s glass and the scroll and set them both on the coffee table.  “Let me see what I can do about that ache in your hand.”

Magnus led him over to the couch.  He sat back against the arm and pulled Alec down to sit between his legs.  After the past few days, there was nothing Alec wanted to do more than relax against his boyfriend’s chest and put his feet up.

Well, almost nothing.

Magnus picked up a small bottle of oil that he rubbed between his palms, then took Alec’s hand in his.  “How does that feel, darling?”

“Perfect,” Alec nearly purred, closing his eyes.  And it really did.  He didn’t know why but, unlike Jace and Izzy, guilt had always plagued him until he’d paid the price he believed he owed.  When he was young it was easy, there was always a parent or a tutor or a member of the Clave around to make sure that when he ‘broke noses’, there were consequences.  But now that he was older…it was almost a relief to know that Magnus would still be watching out for him.  Giving him what he needed.

Which right now was this heavenly massage.  Magnus pressed his thumbs into Alec’s wrist with just the right amount of pressure and rubbed small circles into tired muscles.  Alec groaned as every bit of tension released.  “By the angel, Magnus, that feels amazing.”

“I’m just getting started, beautiful.” 

Alec allowed himself just for a moment not to think.  As Magnus moved his soothing touch from his wrist to his palm, he didn’t think about the Institute or Valentine.  As the oil mixed with magic, a warmth spread from his hand to his heart, and he didn’t think about Jace or Izzy or Clary or any number of people whom he loved and whose fate felt like it rested on his shoulders.  As the ache in his hand began to subside, he let himself not think about whatever horrors Magnus had seen and felt behind Valentine’s skin.  With the gentle pull of each of his fingers, he let himself let go and slip into a world where nothing but this moment, right now, existed.

“I love you,” he breathed.  Magnus’ only answer was to guide Alec’s hand to his mouth, tantalizing him as he kissed each finger before drawing it in with his tongue, sucking gently.  It was dirty and it was breathtaking and Alec’s pleasure quickly spread from his fingers through his body.  “I need you Magnus.  I can’t wait any longer.  Please.”

“Really.” Magnus reached down to the bulge growing in Alec’s pants and thumbed over the fabric.  “So eager,” Magnus teased.

But instead of waiting for Magnus to lead, Alec spun around, kneeling between the warlock’s legs, and pressed their lips together.  He cupped Magnus’ head, pulling him closer.  The taste of champagne flooded his tongue when he deepened the kiss, torn between a desperate need to both show his gratitude and take back his power. 

“Bedroom.  Now,” Alec said. 

Alec pulled him up by the lapels and they kissed their way to the bedroom, discarding clothing along the way.  Alec didn’t hesitate to lower Magnus on to the bed and straddle him.  “You’re a cruel disciplinarian, you know,” he growled playfully, grabbing Magnus’ hands above his head and pressing them into the mattress.

“But you loved it,” Magnus goaded, leaning up to kiss Alec. 

“And you love this,” Alec answered.  He kissed him hard, grinding into him this time, pressing their aching cocks together until Magnus was the one begging.  Adjusting so he held Magnus’ wrists in one hand, Alec slid his other beneath his boyfriend’s ass, clutching it, digging his nails into his skin.

“You make me lose my mind, Alexander.  I need you inside me,” Magnus whispered.  “Need you to fuck me.”

Alec laughed.  He loved how Magnus lost all access to flowery language when he was like this.  He reached over to the drawer at the bedside and rummaged through for condoms.  There were some things that magic could provide but some things they still needed to rely on the mundane world for. 

Magnus hitched up on his elbows just to watch him roll it on.  “Fuck, Alexander, I am so ready for you.”

“Now who’s eager?” Alec grinned, throwing the wrapper on the floor.  He eased himself inside Magnus, sighing at the heat consuming him.  The warlock’s eyes flashed gold and he fell back down onto the bed. 

“I will always be eager for you, darling.” Magnus trailed his fingernails over the runes on his back and Alec couldn’t help but shudder at his touch.  “For your broad shoulders, and strong biceps and of course your most impressive abs.” Alec could feel his cheeks flush.   “For that hair that flops adorably in the wind.  For the trust you’ve given me.   And for those eyes, Alexander, that light up every time I enter a room.  I will always be eager for those eyes to see me.”

“Well, who can see anything else when you’re in a room,” Alec said.  He leaned over, slowly trailing his lips up Magnus’s chest, until he flicked his nipples with his tongue, teasing as they hardened.  He slowly blew soft air over them until Magnus shivered. “Between the color, the glitter, and that gorgeous face-”

“It’s true.  It’s a sacrifice to be this perfect, but someone has to do it.”

Alec smirked down at him.  “Such a martyr.” 

Magnus raised a brow.  “You always have to have the last word, Lightwood, don’t you?”

Alec scowled at him for just a moment.  “Shut up and kiss me.”

Magnus didn’t have to be told twice and he cupped Alec’s neck, pulling him down.  His tongue caressed along Alec’s lips, and Alec swelled inside him, thrusting, hot, strong, and demanding.  Magnus rocked his hips, meeting his every move. 

Alec had never been with anyone else so he didn’t know if the things Magnus made him feel were from magic or experience, and he’d rather kill himself than ask Jace or Izzy.  But fucking Magnus felt better than anything he’d ever felt in the world.  It felt like the angel rushing through him.  Like getting his Parabatai rune but even better.  It felt like they were one, united together, if only for a moment. 

His mind emptied of everything but the pleasure coursing through his veins.  He wondered if it was only through this love that their angelic blood truly came to life.  Inside Magnus he felt safe, warm, like nothing could ever hurt him.  Hurt them. 

And for just a moment he wondered why it had been him, out of the thousands of people over the past hundred years, that had caught Magnus’ eye.

Magnus brushed his cheek.  “Is where you are in your head right now a good place or a bad place?” he asked.

Alec blinked out of it and flashed Magnus a bright smile.  “Very good,” he said and surged his hips forward as if to prove it.  He pressed their foreheads together. “I’m going to make you feel so good, Magnus,” he whispered

Before Magnus could speak, Alec captured his slightly parted lips, licking along them, then darting his tongue inside.  It was Magnus who deepened it, begging for more, drawing Alec’s dominance out of him.  Alec was more than happy to oblige.  He ran his hand beneath Magnus’ thigh and lifted his leg to rest on his shoulder. 

“Should I make your thigh ache as much as you made my hand?” Alec asked, thrusting forward, stretching Magnus’ hamstring.  The warlock threw his head back and hissed with pleasure.  The position made it easier for Alec to hit Magnus’ prostate and the way his boyfriend fell apart beneath him only turned Alec on more, giving him more confidence.  Alec snapped his hips hard, driving into him. 

“You like that do you?” Alec asked harshly, between panting breaths.  Hard and fast Alec was fucking him, the slap of their balls against one another only adding to how good he felt.  Magnus wasn’t one to just lie there though, he met Alec’s vigor with his own, reaching out to grasp Alec’s ass and pull him down, trying to grind his cock between their stomachs.

“Why don’t you put that aching hand to good use, Alexander,” Magnus gasped. 

Alec flipped his black hair out of his eyes.  “I don’t know Magnus, I kind of like you having to work for it.”  He smiled slyly. “Maybe you can come without me touching you?”

“Oh I definitely can,” Magnus said and then he flipped them over so Alec was on the bottom, Magnus sitting atop him.  And he didn’t move.  “But can you come without me fucking you?”

“Shit, Magnus,” Alexander groaned and he sat up, wrapping one arm around his boyfriend’s waist, grasping Magnus’ throbbing cock with the other.  “Okay, let’s see what we can do.”

Magnus leaned back on his hands, giving Alec better access and both of them better leverage.  Their skin gleamed with sweat, and they trembled with the effort and the arousal coursing through their veins.  It didn’t take long before Alec flipped Magnus back over, kissing him. Sexual, sensual, and spicy all at once, Alec fucked him without mercy.  Eyes flashing gold and sparks flying from Magnus’ fingers, magic surrounded them and surged through them. 

“By the angel,” Alec cried, his fist moving over Magnus’ cock with the strength and speed of the rest of his body.

Magnus arched his back, clenching around Alec. Alec’s toes curled, his stomach coiled, and he let go inside his boyfriend with a happiness that only two months ago he would have never thought possible.  Pulsing in Alec’s hand, Magnus dug his nails into his runed shoulders and came with a fierceness he hadn’t felt in a very long time.

Heart racing, breath gasping, Alec’s arms finally gave out and he rolled over gently, snuggling into the man he loved.  Magnus combed his fingers lazily through Alec’s hair and Alec felt a contentment beyond words.  He absentmindedly brushed his fingers over Magnus’ skin, teasing his sensitive nipples until Magnus covered his hand and held it over his heart.  Alec kissed his chest softly. 

“That was…incredibly hot,” Magnus said.

Alec gazed up at him.  “As hot as Di Vinci?  Freddie Mercury?”  He flashed a cockeyed grin.  “Cassanova?”

“Alexander-” Magnus started.

But Alec just laughed.  “I’m kidding Magnus.  Don’t worry-”

“It was hotter,” Magnus told him.  “Hotter than all three of them combined.”

Alec scoffed and shook his head.  “You don’t have to say that.”

“I’ll portal us to Idris right now,” Magnus told him.  “I’ll swear it on the Soul Sword.”

Alec looked at him.  He still wasn’t sure that he believed him.  But he was sure it didn’t matter if it was true.  “I love you, Magnus.”

Magnus kissed him on the forehead and squeezed him tight.  “I love you too.”

 

* * *

 

Alec remembered when he was very little sitting behind his father’s giant oak desk in this very office, watching him make decisions for the Clave, for the Institute, and for the Shadowhunters around him.  It had looked so glamorous, so powerful. His father had known so many secrets that, just like Max, Alec had tried desperately to find out.  He had big dreams of one day taking his father’s place, running the Institute himself, understanding what went on in Idris and Alicante and within the inner circle of the Clave, knowing all of their secrets.

Alec didn’t want to know anymore.

Banishing the ghost of that little boy, he took a seat behind the same desk.  It seemed smaller.  Constricting.  It asked him to keep the secret that the Shadow World was not nearly as safe as he had thought just a moment ago.

It asked him to lie to the man he loved.

Reaching into his desk, he pulled out the scroll case and turned it in his hand.  How many times since Magnus had ordered him to write those words over and over had he taken them out to read them?  To remind him of the duty he had, not just to the Clave but to himself.

_I will follow my gut before I follow orders._

He pressed the sealed case to his lips. 

He’d taken them out and read them before his first meeting with the Downworld Cabinet, giving him the strength to fight for an alliance and a transparency that the Clave did not want.

He’d taken them out and read them after his mother had told him that despite his father’s affair, they would continue to put politics and the Clave before their own happiness, and he promised himself he would never do that.

He’d taken them out after he set Luke free from prison after he’d tried to kill Valentine, understanding where the anger came from and knowing that the Clave had nothing to gain from starting a war with the Downworld.

When his father had walked in the door of the Institute, declaring that Alec would do as he was ordered, when his father had told him that despite letting Valentine slip from their fingers that he’d remain head of the Institute, when he’d learned that this time, there would be no consequences for his actions, he took them out and he’d read them. Every single line.

The words that Magnus had made him write until they seeped into his very soul had given him strength.  He’d had the strength to meet with the Downworld despite the Clave’s misgivings.  He’d had the strength to keep Luke’s actions to himself despite the fact that if the Clave ever found out, he could be de-runed.  He’d had the strength to tell his father he didn’t care what the Clave said, he would get Izzy a portal to Idris to save his Parabatei.  He’d had the strength to tell his father that he couldn’t promise to keep the Clave’s secrets from the man he loved, and he’d had the strength to tell his father that he could either trust him to be a leader or not.

But now, alone, behind the desk where he had grown up wanting to sit, it was as if all the air had been sucked out of the room and he was gasping for breath.  There were no good answers.  The Clave had lied, had said they had the Soul Sword, had said that they were keeping the Downworld safe from Valentine.  When the truth was, they weren’t keeping anyone safe at all. 

Neither his father nor the Clave had earned his obedience in this.

But telling Magnus.  The High Warlock of Brooklyn.  The most powerful Downworlder he knew other than the Seelie Queen.  Magnus, who hated the Clave and hated Valentine but loved the Downworld and loved Alexander. 

Magnus, who would be forced to choose.

Alec didn’t want to know the Clave’s secrets anymore.

He opened up the drawer, and he placed the scroll case back inside.  This time he didn’t have the strength to even open it.  He didn’t have the strength to fight for transparency, or to put his own happiness ahead of the Clave, or to prevent the war between the Downworld and the Shadowhunters that seemed inevitable.  He didn’t have the strength to read those words. 

There were other words though, words that he had repeated so often since his childhood that they’d seeped into his soul too. 

FACILIS DESCENSUS AVERNI.

The descent into Hell is easy.

Alec had never truly understood what it meant before.  He understood now.


	3. Beside Still Water

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> April.  That’s a really long time without these boys.
> 
> This chapter wasn’t easy. I could probably revise it a hundred more times and still not be sure of the words. It starts the morning after the finale and there is a lot of talk about decisions made by Alec and Magnus.  Your interpretation may differ from this one and I totally appreciate that.  I’d love to hear your thoughts on how they felt and what they did.

 

Magnus rolled over, reaching out for the warmth and the beating heart and the rune-laced skin he had missed so desperately.  But the bed was empty, only the imprint of the man he loved remaining.  Empty martini glasses still sat on the nightstands.  Clothing still littered the floor.  He got up, pulled on his blue and gold silk robe and went out to find him. 

Alec stood on the balcony, hands resting on the edge, staring out.  The sun was just rising, orange and pinks bathing over the streets of Brooklyn.  The air was starting to get crisp in the mornings.  Drawing close, Magnus laid his hands on his boyfriend’s shoulders, hoping that Alexander wasn’t looking out with doubt or regret.  After what felt even to him like a lifetime apart, the night before had been perfect – a gentle remembering of one another until caresses turned to a passion fueled by the heat of too many battles fought, and then settled into the serenity of pure love.  Last night they had been able to let go of everything in the world except that love.  But today, the tension he felt in Alec’s shoulders was undeniable.  Magnus squeezed them gently, leaning over to lay soft kisses on his neck. 

“It’s so good to have you home, Alexander,” he whispered.  But Alec silently lowered his head and Magnus felt a pang go through him.  He could blame this on Alec or the Clave all he wanted, but he couldn’t escape the truth that he had been the one to tear them apart.  He had been the one who thought he had to choose saving his people over saving his love.  Alec had held onto hope, had held onto him, where Magnus had made every attempt to let him go.  After four hundred years, he still had so much to learn.

But last night, for the first time since learning of Alec’s lies, Magnus’ heart had felt whole again.  He didn’t think he could survive it breaking once more.  “This morning brooding is my deal, not yours, remember?” he said, lightly.  But when Alec made no move, his brow furrowed.  “Tell me what’s wrong, darling, so I can fix it.”

Alec’s voice was as quiet as the breeze when he answered, regret clearly flowed through it.  “You said what happened, what I did, was in the past.”

“It is, Alexander.”  Magnus quickly replayed the last six hours in his head to see if he could have given Alec even an inkling of a reason to believe he thought otherwise.   “I want it to be.”

“What if I don’t want it to be?”  Magnus’ heart clenched at the pain in Alec’s voice and the guilt in the tightness of the Shadowhunter’s beautiful features when Alec turned to him.  “What if I need more?”

Hazel eyes full of the torment Alec had fought to hide from everyone, from him, pierced his soul.  He’d ignored that look for as long as he could, refusing to see because seeing meant feeling the anguish of turning his back on the part of his heart that Alec would always hold.  But he couldn’t ignore it anymore, he wouldn’t, and he reached up, brushing a thumb along Alec’s cheek, wishing he could just wipe away the pain with a touch.

“Alexander, you know that I forgive you, right?  There are things that you and I need to work out, truths we need to acknowledge and work through, but I forgive you everything.”

Alec flexed his fingers unconsciously.  “I understand that Magnus.  This isn’t about you and me.  I’m not asking for…anything, because of us.”

“Then tell me what it’s about.  Please.”

“Courage.  Honesty.”  Alec turned back out to the city, where Magnus knew he’d spent the morning with these words running through his head.  “These are the things that my father told me made a great leader.  But Magnus, when I hid the truth about the Soul Sword, I was neither courageous, nor honest. I lied, to the High Warlock of Brooklyn, my greatest ally.  I broke my promise to the Downworld Council.  I was everything I never wanted to be as a leader.  I did everything I said that I would never do. I deserve…”

Magnus had wanted to be certain, but now he was.  It didn’t matter that they had forgiven one another.  Alec wasn’t asking for forgiveness.  He was asking for punishment.

“Then you need to ask yourself why, Alexander.  Why did you once again choose to follow the Clave’s orders instead of following your own gut?”

“Facilis descensus averni,” Alec whispered, his voicing dripping with shame.  “The descent into Hell is easy.”

 _It’s not,_ Magnus thought to himself. _It’s not easy at all._

Standing beside the man he loved, Magnus could admit that his desire to let Alec’s wrongs rest in the past was an escape from having to face his own demons.  Having to start the conversation that scared him most because…he loved a Shadowhunter, a Lightwood no less, and every day it became more clear that their two separate worlds would put in their path obstacles that would never go away. They would be forced to confront them, to hurdle them, day after day.  Magnus’ own journey would be more difficult than even Alec knew.  He wouldn’t pretend otherwise. 

But this was Alec’s journey.

He took in the sight of Alexander, staring out, hands gripping the edge of the balcony, hoping that Magnus would just make this right for him.  For them. 

Relationships took effort.

And a leader’s work was never done.

Magnus turned, squared his shoulders and raised his chin.  “Look at me,” he ordered.  Alec obeyed and the warlock searched deeply for the truth behind Alec’s eyes. “The Clave told you to withhold the loss of the Soul Sword to everyone.  But you didn’t.  You told Jace and Izzy and Clary.”  Friends.  Family.  People he loved.  Shadowhunters he trusted.  But not Magnus.  Not the Downworlders.

“Izzy and my dad believed that if I told you about the Sword that it would be the end of the Accords.  The start of a war between Shadowhunters and the Downworld.” Alec’s gaze dipped.  “The irony is that the only reason they could have believed that was because they knew that hiding the truth about the Sword from the Downworld was wrong.  And I knew it too.”

“But still you didn’t tell me.  Why?” The ache in his heart came back, knowing that the man he loved had lied to him.  He tried to set that aside and see things from Alec’s point of view.  “You said you didn’t want me to have to keep a secret.  Which means at least a part of you trusted me to stay quiet.  So why lie?  Why not tell me?  Why not give us the chance to work together?”

Alec bit his lip.  “I don’t know,” he admitted, almost childlike.

“I don’t know is not an honest answer, Alexander.”

Magnus crossed his arms and rested against the railing, letting the echo of the words that Robert Lightwood had told his young son so long ago seep back through him.  It hurt, having to put Alec through this.  Seeing him blink back tears, Magnus almost wished the sounds of Brooklyn could drown out the truths that Alec needed to hear. 

“If you had told me the truth, told the Council the truth, you would have had a chance to prove that you were different from the Clave.  That you wouldn’t lie to them. That they could trust you.  You could have proven that you truly were a leader they could get behind, even if you are a Shadowhunter.”

“Instead I proved that I wasn’t any different than the rest.” His eyes met Magnus’.  “That it truly does run in the family.”

Magnus felt a pang of guilt.  “I shouldn’t have said that.”

“But you were right, Magnus.” Alec shrugged.  He had no excuses other than the one he’d told Magnus from the beginning.  He was trained his whole life to obey.  “I lied because the Clave asked me to lie.  I lied because I didn’t have the courage to stand up to them, to put my hope for the Downworld before their mistrust.  When things get hard Magnus, I remain loyal to the Clave.”

The shame and self-doubt drew him in and Magnus reached out to cup Alec’s cheek.  Pleading eyes looked down at him.  “Alexander. Your loyalty to the Clave is as strong and as good as mine is to the Downworld.  That’s how it should be, it’s who we are.  But loyalty is not blind obedience.  Obedience is a trap.  We need to make our own decisions.  Your father is right.  Courage and honesty are what make a great leader.”

Alec nodded, heading inside the apartment.  Magnus followed him and shut the balcony doors behind him. 

“When I started the Downworld Council, Magnus, I had this hope of creating something greater than the Clave.  Something that would bring our worlds together instead of tearing us apart.   Maybe it was naïve.  But as soon as I’d heard about the Sword, that’s where my allegiance should have fallen.  And I knew that. When I told my father that I wouldn’t promise to keep secrets from you, I knew that.”

“But then you did.  What changed your mind?”

Alec crossed his arms across his chest.  “I let my family convince me that protecting the Clave was preventing a war.  Instead, I nearly started one.”

“No, Alexander, you didn’t.”  Magnus had his own regrets.  When he allowed himself to think about it, he knew that he had played just as big a role in the hostilities as Alexander.  Maybe even more so.  “You made your decisions.  And those decisions are your responsibility. But you are not responsible for the decisions of others.  Not the Seelie Queen’s.  And not mine.”

They both fell quiet for a moment. Magnus had come far too close to doing something he’d have regretted the rest of his life. 

Alec let his arms fall to his side. “If I had told you right away, about the Sword, would you have kept quiet?  Or would you have still gone to the Queen?”

Magnus had asked himself the same question.  He’d come to understand the answer wasn’t what was important.  “I honestly don’t know,” Magnus said.  “But what I do know is that I wouldn’t have felt betrayed. Not by you.  And maybe I wouldn’t have felt that to save my people I had to do it without the Clave.  Without you.  You have to understand, Alexander, the feeling of betrayal by the Clave stems back centuries.  It does for every Downworlder.  Every once in a while the Clave tries to draw us back in, builds our trust, only to lie to us, again and again.  They have put their survival above ours countless times.  We had no reason to believe this time would be different.”

“But you should have had a reason.  I should have been strong enough, had the courage, told the truth, and given you a reason.”  Magnus had no way of knowing if telling the Council would have changed anything between the Downworld and the Shadowhunters.  But he knew it would have changed everything between them.   “I once told my mother that if she kept saying that she was just following orders it lost its meaning. I was right, but I just keep doing the same.” 

Magnus took a step and reached out to him, gently caressing both Alec’s arms. Hazel eyes, a storm of emotions swirling inside them, looked down at him. As angry as he had been, Magnus understood. “You have had years of training to follow orders, protect the Clave above all else, think of the Downworld as…violent, dangerous, less than.  You needed to believe these things, as a soldier, to do the job you were born to do.”

“That last day…when I watched you walk away.  Choose the Downworld over us.  I thought that…” His voice cracked, but Alec swallowed, forcing himself to continue.  “I thought that maybe they were right all along.  Maybe it made no sense for a Warlock and a Shadowhunter to be together.  Maybe it was easy and right for you to walk away from me.”

“Alexander-“

“I’m just a speck of time for you, Magnus,” Alec said, with a shrug. 

Like a punch to the stomach, Magnus knew with every breath he took that Alec was wrong.  He grabbed his hand and nearly melted beneath Alec’s gaze.  “Alexander, listen to me.  It wasn’t easy to walk away, it wasn’t right, and you are most definitely not just a speck of time for me.  You are so much more than that.  You are every speck of time for me.  You will live in my heart forever.”  Alec’s beautiful, devoted, wistful hazel eyes dipped to their hands and Magnus squeezed them harder.  “Maybe I was refusing to admit it to myself before.  You tried to tell me I didn’t have to choose but maybe the fear was too much, and that’s why I ran away.  Because I have never felt for anyone what I feel for you and honestly, it’s terrifying.”

“Magnus-“

He placed his finger over Alec’s lips to silence his doubts.  “I mean it, Alexander.  I’ve felt love before, but never like this.  The love of the angels runs inside you and when I see you, when we’re together, I almost feel like it runs inside me.  And there is glory and power in that but there is also fear and pain because it is just so overwhelming that I risk the belief that despite my experience and my immortality, that I will never be able to give to you as much as you give to me.” 

“Magnus-“

“I feared losing you, Alexander.  I fear losing you.”

Before he could think, Alec’s arms were around him, kissing him, holding him as tightly as he possibly could.  Magnus deepened the kiss and breathed him in, like it would be the last time, even though he knew it wasn’t.

“I should have told you,” Alec whispered in his ear when they broke apart.  “I never should have kept the truth from you.  I was wrong and I knew then that it was wrong and yet I still did it, I didn’t follow my gut, I didn’t have the courage.”  Magnus could feel the weight on Alec’s shoulders grow heavier with the admission.  “I’m so sorry.”

It was the fourth time that Alec had apologized and Magnus wanted to make sure it was the last.  “I forgive you, Alec,” he said.  “But can you forgive yourself?” Alec lowered his chin and shook his head.  “Because you think you deserve to be held accountable.  Beyond what you’ve already suffered.  Because I know how much you’ve already suffered, Alexander.  You almost lost your Parabatai, the most important person in your life.”

Alec’s lids fluttered open to stare into dark eyes.  “Second most important,” he corrected.  “But Jace came back to me.  And so did you.  That’s not accountability.”

Magnus’ heart nearly broke.  “Alexander, you don’t need the people around you to die or leave to be absolved of your sins.  If that were true I’d be the most holy person in the Shadow World,” he said.  “And there is nothing further from the truth.”

“I don’t know why.” Alec absentmindedly flexed his fingers.  “I just…I know I need this.  And you’re the only one I trust.  But if you don’t want to Magnus, if you can’t…I understand.”

Magnus turned, rubbing his hands together.  He knew he’d agreed to this.  He’d known every time he thought of Alec during those horrible days apart that his boyfriend was hurting as much as he was.  And a part of him, a part he’d tried not to listen to, had known that with every apology Alec had been begging him for this.  It wasn’t something Magnus needed, but the one thing he wanted more than anything was to always be able to give Alexander everything his heart desired.  Even this.

He turned back, chin high with authority.  “If you deserve to be punished for your lack of honesty, your lack of courage, then what do you suggest, Shadowhunter?” he asked. Alec’s cheeks turned red and Magnus suddenly grew curious what he was thinking.  “Tell me.”

Alec looked away, the flush spreading quickly down his neck and chest.  “I kept having this dream while we were apart.  You would be…touching me.  And it would feel so good and I’d get so close.  And then you’d pull your hand away, leave me gasping for breath.”  Alec looked at him shyly through his lashes.  “And I feel like, that’s how it must have felt.  To you.  To the Council.  That you put your faith in me and trusted me and I got you so close, and then I just pulled my hand away.”

Magnus couldn’t deny that at least for him, it was nearly exactly how it felt. 

“But you said you didn’t want to bring things like this into the bedroom,” Alec reminded him.

Magnus smiled softly, and thumbed gently over Alec’s knuckles. “I meant that I don’t want this becoming a part of our romantic life.” Alec’s face dropped with disappointment, but after centuries of experience, Magnus knew where this was going.  “Punishment, though, is not romance and it’s not sex, Alexander.  Even when it might look like it is. So tell me, is that what you need?”

If either of them thought Magnus’ words would lessen Alec’s embarrassment, the flexing of his hands and the shuffling of his feet proved them wrong.  “I…”  Alec tried to pull himself together long enough to answer.  “I withheld the truth from you, Magnus.  From the Downworld Council.  I made you think you could trust me and then I betrayed that trust.  I think I want…I need to feel the same thing.”

“Before we do this, I’ll remind you that you are not exactly the most patient person when it comes to your pleasure.  You did ten pages of lines in two days just so you wouldn’t have to wait any longer. And that was without me teasing or edging you at all.”

Alec gave a strangled laugh.  “I guess that’s why it’s punishment, not sex.”

Magnus looked at him.  Really looked at him.  Cheeks red with shame, eyes and shoulders heavy with his guilt.  For just a moment he allowed a flood of anger at the Clave to wash over him before he pushed it aside.  Whatever had made him this way, his boyfriend needed him and he would be damned before he allowed Alec to turn to the Clave or even worse, let his guilt overtake him like it had with Jocelyn. Magnus knew this was more about Alec’s own sense of honor than anything he’d truly done.  The man he loved needed penance and absolution before he would ever be able to forgive himself for not being the leader he had wanted to be.  An honest leader.  But also a leader with the courage to refuse orders in which he didn’t believe.

Magnus folded his arms across his chest and circled his boyfriend where he stood.  “You deserve punishment for more than just withholding the truth.  You did that for a reason.  You did that because you did not use your courage to follow your gut and refuse the Clave.  You must always stand up for what you believe is right, Alexander.  Refuse orders you know are wrong.  That includes the Clave.  That includes your parents.  And that includes me, Alexander.  No matter what.  Understood?”  Alec’s eyes opened wide, but he nodded.  Magnus came to rest in front of him.  “For how long do you believe your pleasure should be withheld? Do you believe that you should be granted relief today?”

Alexander shook his head.  “No.  I don’t.  Not today.”

“Okay,” Magnus sighed.  “Why don’t you go to the bedroom, take your clothes off, and wait for me. And leave your stele in here, I don’t want you tempted to use your stamina rune.”

“Thank you,” Alec said, voice thick with relief and sincerity.

* * *

 

Alec’s fingers trembled as he worked open the buttons of his shirt, staring at the closed bedroom door.  How many times since Magnus had walked out of his office that day had he lay in his bed alone, with the darkness and the quiet of the Institute surrounding him, longing for this moment?  And yet now that it was here, he could barely breathe.  The fear and anticipation flooded him just imagining the surrender and shame and penance and most importantly redemption he would feel at the hands of the man he loved.  To not only stand before him, where he belonged, but to stand at his mercy, as he deserved.

He’d considered talking to his siblings, but Jace would never have understood and Izzy would have understood too well.  So he’d kept it all inside, hidden away in order to do the things he’d needed to do to lead them, not to victory, because there was no victory in going to war with the people they loved. But at least to lead his people to safety. 

His people.  He shook his head, the thought reminding him why he stood there, and he slipped his shirt from his shoulders.  He had to start believing that they were all his people, the Shadowhunters and the Downworld, and he knew exactly what he deserved if he should ever forget again .  But that was a conversation for another day.  

He removed the rest of his clothing, his skin prickling at the chill and adrenaline running through his veins.  Writing lines had been one thing.  But this.  This was entirely different.  Magnus had been right to make him leave his stele in the other room. His vulnerability as he stepped out of his clothing made him itch for the protection of his runes.  He looked around and automatically headed to one corner, needing the darkness and the constraint it provided so his nerves did not overwhelm him.  He pressed his forehead to the wall and breathed, in and out.  He’d learned how to wait long ago, but that was not the same and Magnus was right.  He had no patience when it came to him.  Every second he stood there without Magnus’ touch was torture.

He wasn’t made to wait long though and he heard the door open and shut behind him.  As still as he tried to be, his hands flexed and he shuffled uncomfortably beneath the stare of his boyfriend.  They had both long since stopped being shy with one another, but there was something different about this, standing exposed under Magnus’ appraisal.  A shiver crawled up his spine.

And then it was warmed by the press of Magnus against him, the silk of the Warlock’s robe tickling against his bare skin.  He could feel Magnus’ breath waft over his deflect rune. He shuddered beneath his touch as Magnus delicately traced his fingers down Alec’s left arm, from shoulder to wrist and back again.  But nothing prepared him for the overload of sensations when Magnus wrapped his fingers around his cock. 

He sucked in a breath and closed his eyes.  “Magnus,” he whispered.

“Hush,” Magnus told him, threading his fingers through Alec’s left hand, squeezing it tight to keep him grounded.   “Just take it.”

Alec nodded quickly, leaning back against his boyfriend.  He needed this.  He needed the feel of Magnus around him, the strength of his touch.   He needed his scent filling his soul and the sound of his voice mending his heart.  He needed the power of Magnus holding his pleasure in his hands.

Endowed with magic, Magnus began to stroke him.  He kept an endlessly slow pace, just a hint of energy humming in his grasp.  Alec felt the world around him melt away leaving nothing but his longing running through his veins.  His cock pulsed and his skin began to glow with a sheen of sweat.  He could feel his stomach fluttering and his breathing grow quick.  But it wasn’t enough, he needed more. “Magnus, please.”

“Trust me, Alexander,” Magnus hummed and Alec felt the words go straight to his heart.  “Trust me.”

Alec let those words, _trust me_ , rush through him.  He licked his lips, blocking out everything else, every sound and every other feeling in his body, surrendering only to Magnus’ touch.  He struggled for breath with every long and languid stroke, gliding from base to tip, Magnus’ thumb grazing over his pulsing vein.  He tried to hold back when Magnus brushed softly over the head, twisting gently before starting his delicious torture all over again.  He let his mind go and he imagined Magnus’ mouth surrounding him and Magnus deep inside him and he wanted it to last forever. But all too soon he felt his knees grow weak and warmth flooded him, his body aching for its release. And just in time he remembered why they were there. “So close,” he warned and gritted his teeth when Magnus let go and wrapped his arm around his chest instead.

“Breathe, Alexander,” Magnus told him and Alec tried hard to catch his ragged breath and come back from the edge.  “That’s it, breathe through it.”

His heart still racing, Alec’s head felt light when Magnus led him by the hand to the bed.  “Lie down, darling. That was just practice.  Take a minute and then we’ll go again.”

Alec felt himself sink into the red silk sheets, his head resting on the feather soft pillow.  He kept his eyes closed, wanting to stay in the moment.  It was hard to remember this was punishment when it felt so good, and it felt like relief when Magnus touched him again.

“A little harder this time, Alexander.  I know you can do it.”

Alec wished he had his boyfriend’s faith in himself because Magnus’ fingers sparked and electricity surged through him the minute Magnus took hold of his cock.  Stronger and faster this time, Magnus scaled one hand down his length and then the other, continuing hand over hand as his cock throbbed desperately. Just when Alec was about to beg him to stop, Magnus rested both palms flat on his pelvis, his thumbs still pressing against his shaft.  Alec only had a second to wonder before Magnus took him in his mouth, guiding him down to the back of his throat.  He couldn’t keep his hips from thrusting, but Magnus pressed him firmly to the mattress and swallowed around him. 

“Fuck,” Alec cried, reaching up to twist the pillow case in his hands.  Magnus was far from letting up though.  He swirled his tongue around him, sucking gently, luring Alec’s forbidden orgasm out of him.  Magnus didn’t relent, humming to himself, sending vibrations through him, working his every inch with the expertise of a thousand lovers and then Alec remembered that no matter how good it felt and how much trust he gave Magnus, there would be a time when the Warlock would refuse to see it through and take it all away.  Understanding the punishment, his whole body felt aflame and he wasn’t sure he could take another second.  Magnus lightly ran his nails beneath his scrotum before gently pulling down.  “God,” Alec gasped. “Please Magnus, I can’t.”

Magnus dragged his tongue along Alec’s shaft once more before leaving it cold.  “Why are we here, Alexander?”

The sternness in Magnus’ voice shot straight through him as much as the steady pull on his balls.  He licked his lips to make them work.  He could barely think. 

“Because I followed the orders of the Clave.  I withheld the truth about the Sword.  From the Downworld.  From you,” he answered between shallow breaths.  He was so, so close.  “Instead of trusting my gut.  Following my heart.” 

Alec thought his admission might give him relief, but instead Magnus pressed one finger to his hole, circling it and Alec couldn’t hold back anymore.  He felt his stomach coil and his balls try desperately to pull away from Magnus’ grasp.

“Magnus!” he cried.

And suddenly, there was no touch, no comfort or warmth, and he gasped for breath as he fought to quell the desperate fire blazing inside him.  The fire that he knew had burned in Magnus’ heart the moment he learned of Alec’s betrayal.  This was it, the punishment he deserved.  The punishment that no one else could give him. 

“I’m a terrible leader, Magnus,” Alec whispered, getting lost again in the guilt.  “Jace says I’m not, that I was born for this.  But the truth is, I have no idea what I’m doing.”

He felt Magnus’ hand rest gently on his chest, his heart racing beneath all that power.  “Alexander,” Magnus said.  “If you’re a terrible leader, then so am I.  We both made mistakes.  Good leaders aren’t perfect.  Good leaders just learn from their mistakes.  And accept the consequences of their actions.”

In his heart, he knew that Magnus was right and he let his eyes flutter open.  But they did not meet the Warlock’s eyes.  Instead, they fell on an object Magnus was holding in his hand.  Alec’s heart stopped.  Gold and black, it looked beautiful but terrifying and his mouth dried instantly.

“What’s that?” Alec choked.

“This is a cock cage, my dear.  Do you know what they’re for?” Magnus asked.

Alec shook his head although if he’d had any faculty of thought, he could have guessed.

“They are for denial, darling.  Withholding your pleasure.  If you agreed, then I would put it on you,” Magnus said, stroking Alec’s cock once again.  “You would be locked inside it.  And I would hold the only key.”

“How-“ Alec could barely breathe, could barely talk, and he licked his lips to try and get the words out.  “How long would I wear it?”

“I would think you’d want to wear it for as long as you withheld the truth from us.  It would be a constant reminder, to yourself, of the mistakes you’ve made.  And the desire to do better.  If you agreed.”

Alec couldn’t answer.  His head spun and his ears rang and he could do nothing but stare at the golden cage with a black ring and padlock, as if it was calling to him.  Adrenaline rushed through his body, competing emotions freezing his tongue.  He felt like the world was dropping out from underneath him.

“Alexander, talk to me,” he heard Magnus say but it was like he was far away or under water.

And try as he might, Alec’s lips would not move, his voice would not make a sound.  Images flashed through his head, images of him at the Institute, sitting behind his office desk, directing the morning briefing, training or hunting out in the field with his siblings, all the while locked up, weighed down, Magnus holding the only key to his freedom.  The temperature in the room seemed to rise ten degrees and he couldn’t breathe and he knew enough to know that this was what panic felt like.  Because how was he supposed to tell him?  How was he supposed to tell Magnus that in his head he knew the restriction of the cage was exactly what he deserved for his lies, but in his heart he knew that he could never survive the humiliation of wearing it in front of Jace and Izzy?  How was he supposed to say that this consequence he deserved was more than he could endure?

He tried desperately to force the words from his brain to his lips, but in the end he didn’t have to.  Magnus saw the fear in his eyes and he closed his hand around the cage, lowering it out of Alec’s view.  Alec felt fingers brush along his forehead, tracing gently behind his ear.   “Not this time, Alexander.  It’s okay.  It’s more than you deserve.”  Magnus repeated the words until they finally reached Alec’s ear and the world started to settle from where it had been floating.  He felt the air return to his lungs.  Magnus kept talking. “You don’t ever have to do anything that you’re not ready for, darling. We’ll put this away until you’re ready to talk about what’s going on inside your head.”

Alec heard the words ringing in his ear, and he tried to thank him, but his voice was still raw.  Magnus touched his hand gently.  “I’m going to need you to practice saying your safeword though.”

Alec let out a breath.  He’d forgotten.  He’d forgotten that this was all in his hands and relief filled every part of him. He pulled the word from deep inside himself and forced it off his tongue.  “Idris,” he whispered.

Magnus smiled at him.  “There you go, my sweet boy,” he said and he leaned over and kissed him, soothing him, wiping away any fear or shame that may have lingered.    When all of the tension had once more released from his body, he felt Magnus’ fingers trail softly up his thigh. Alec shuddered at the touch. 

“Your punishment isn’t done though.  One more time, my love, and then it will be all over. Can you do that?”

Alexander’s breath hitched and tears he would never shed glistened in his eyes as Magnus’ gentle hand took hold of him once more. 

“No, Magnus, please,” Alec begged, though his heart said yes.  He needed this, he needed to push through one more time.

“Last time, I promise.  What’s your color?”

Magnus waited but Alec’s head was spinning. 

“Color, Alexander,” Magnus pressed.

He trusted Magnus.  He trusted that Magnus would never push him more than he deserved.  “Green,” he whispered.

“Good.”

Magnus thumbed over his slit and caressed up and down the head of his cock, but it was when Magnus softly circled his hole and pushed inside that Alec’s cock throbbed and his eyes watered.  He threw his head back and couldn’t help but jerk his hips as Magnus crooked his finger and brushed against his prostate.  Words escaped him and all Alec could do was moan with the unbelievable pleasure of his touch and the consuming pain of denying himself.  Without thought he thrust again into Magnus’ hand which just sent sparks shooting through him, a wave of arousal that was overwhelming.  Every inch of him vibrated with his desire.  Then Magnus pressed a second finger in and Alec knew if he waited one more second he would be too late.

“Magnus,” he gasped. 

“Come for me, darling,” Magnus said.

Alec’s breath was ripped from his chest and he stared up at his boyfriend.  The man he’d called Dom.  Was it betrayal he felt?  “But Magnus,” he whispered.

“It’s okay Alec,” Magnus told him.  Tried to soothe him.  “You’ve had enough.  I know you said you didn’t deserve to come today, but I think you’ve earned it.”

Alec’s mind swirled, confused.  He didn’t deserve it, he knew he didn’t.  But Magnus was telling him he did.  Maybe it was mercy that had his Dom telling him to come.  And wasn’t a sub supposed to do what his Dom said?

“It’ll feel so good, Alec.  You know you want to.”

Of course he wanted to come, his whole body yearned for it.  His body ached, desire flowed through him and all he had to do was give himself permission and he could rest in his pleasure.

Magnus’ fingers were hooking inside him, pressing against his sweetest spot.  His cock was enveloped in Magnus’ other hand, sliding over him, sending tremors through him.  It would be so easy to obey. 

“Come for me,” Magnus told him.

But he couldn’t.

“No.”  The word slipped from his lips in a whisper pulled from deep within himself.

“Alexander.”

“No.”  He said it again, stronger this time and when he opened his eyes, his gaze fell on Magnus and the fingers inside him stopped. “No, I don’t deserve it.  You told me to follow my own gut, not anyone’s orders.  Even yours.  Magnus, please.”

The abrupt loss of sensation as Magnus pulled his hands from Alec’s body sent a surge of agony through him.  He brought his hand to his mouth, growling into his fist, but this time he was able to embrace the pain.  He had asked for it.  Demanded it.  Because he knew it was right.

“Very good.”  Magnus brushed Alec’s sweat soaked hair from his forehead.  “Such a good boy, following what you knew was right instead of my orders.  We’re all done, my sweet. That’s right, let it go.  Just breathe.”

Alec couldn’t help the pride that swelled through him as Magnus’ words drove the pain aside.  He let his lids fall and took a deep breath, a smile trying to find its way to the surface.

“You were testing me,” Alex said between gasps.

“Punishment shouldn’t be just pain, Alexander.  It’s also practice.  And you did well.  I imagine that if you think on how hard that was to say no to, other refusals might come a bit easier.”  Magnus stroked a thumb over the corner of Alec’s eyes, wiping away a trace of wetness on his skin.  He smiled.  “You know, it might feel better if you let those tears go sometimes.”

Alec laughed softly.  “You’re the over emotional one.  I bottle up my feelings.  We balance each other out.”

“In more ways than just that one, Shadowhunter.”

Alec looked up at him.  And what he saw was nothing short of admiration and love.  It filled his heart.  “Tell me,” Alec said.  “In what other ways do we balance each other?”

Magnus smiled fondly.  “Well, for one, you’re part angel, I’m part demon.”

“But both part human,” Alec noted.

Magnus gave him that one.  “You’re young, I’m old.”

Alec sat up on his elbows, lips quirking.  “You’re not that old, Magnus,” he objected.

“In your years my boy, I’m ancient,” Magnus said.

 Alec laughed and he had to concede.  “Sometimes balance isn’t good though,” he said.

“Oh yeah?  When?”

Alec threaded his fingers through Magnus’ hair and brought them together for a kiss.  His eyes were sparkling when he pulled back.  “When I’m naked and you’re not.”  In a flash, Alec flipped Magnus to his back and straddled him.  “Sometimes it’s nice to celebrate how we’re the same.”

Alec reached for the waistband of Magnus’ briefs, waiting for the Warlock’s quick nod before slowly slipping them down. He discarded them on the floor, looking up at him from between his legs, a beautiful cockeyed smile on his lips.

“There.  That’s better,” Alec teased.

“Much better.  One thing though.  I get to come,” Magnus said with a shrug.  “And you better make it good.  We have to restore our balance somehow.”

Alec’s eyes shined with joy.  “It’s true what they say.  A leader’s work is never done.”


End file.
